Raptor Jesus

From WikiWrit

There is only one Raptor Jesus and thy name is Deinonychus.

Praise Lord Raptor Jesus, for he brings the gift of electricity. Lo, our god, is an awesome god. For he is made of win, awesomeness and the internet and is the smiter of emo attention whore children everywhere. As stated in the holy tomes, Lord Raptor Jesus will take many forms to appease and disturb him many followers, including that of a giant Slor in a Boba Fett helmet.

Many outsiders fear thy Lord Raptor Jesus, and for good reason. Thy Lord Raptor Jesus employs a small number of unholy enforcers christening themselves the Hostile Apostles.

Thy Hostile Apostles are many but few. In the name of the Lord Raptor Jesus, they have smote down many a believer and disbelievers just for the sheer enjoyment of it, and bequeath upon thee the blessing of chocodiles and pornography of smoldering hot back. Their holy hymns can be heard for leagues, and sounds a little like this:

Lord Raptor Jesuscycle hero!
Baby baby baby baby he's a blazin' away!
Like the star star stars in the universe!
Baby baby baby baby he's a screamin' the truth!
Like the star star stars in the universe!
Baby baby baby baby he's a screamin' the truth!
America is killing its youth!

The named of the damned Hostile Apostles are unknown, but are rumored to be a unholy dragoness who takes ecstasy in the devouring of human flesh, a collector who imprisons his prey in pristine boxes to never breath the fresh air of freedom again, a giant old leviathan who can destroy cities, a sex changing liger automaton, a red locked seamstress who sews her victims’ skin into new garments and Billy Idol. (To name a few.)

[edit] His Most Awesomest Fourteen Commandments

And lo, did the Holy Tomes of Dromeasaur speak of Raptor Jesus's Thirteen Commandments. And lo, their number would be thirteen, for it was considered a number of ill-luck, but that way indeed was not how the Raptor Jesus rolled and thus did he decide to maketh his commandments to number thirteen for the hell of it-eth.

And lo, the Raptor Jesus did say:

The first commandment is that Raptor Jesus is the only god of awesome, and Webster is his prophet. Thus, thou shalt not not respect proper grammar in all things.

The second commandment is that thou shalt not treat the Internet as Serious Business. For lo, if it twer, we would all verilly be fucked.

The third commandment is that nothing should be treated as a Sacred Bovine. If ye cannot suffer it to be mocked, then thou shalt be smoted from on high by His Reptilian Majesty's sarcastic herd of cybernetic bovines.

The fourth commandment is that thou shouldst not mock the geek. For when yon Raptor Jesus doth rise to his throne, the geek shall inheriteth all the beautiful women, as well as the Earth.

The fifth commandment was borrowed from the Gods of Old, who wait in Ryleh, dreaming. Though the Raptor Jesus did verilly think it was a good idea at the time, it drove too many of his followers insane, and thus is not contained here.

The sixth commandment is that thou shalt not be an emo-pussy. For black should be free for all, not just thee who thinketh the world doth suck. Of course, it doth suck, but eighty times as badly as thou doth thinkest it sucketh.

The seventh commandment is that thou shalt not be an ignoramus. If thou wantest to bitch, thou should at least haveth a reason.

The eighth commandment is that thou shalt not be overly negative. If thou canst not open thy mouth without releasing a torrent of complaints, thou shouldst merely shuttest the hell up.

The ninth commandment is that thou should not mocketh another man's sports. Save if thou speaketh of soccer, which doth not deserve to use the name football.

The tenth commandment is that thou should not stalketh the Hostile Apostles, lest thou revealeth thy true nature as a loser.

The eleventh commandment is under construction.

The twelfth commandment is that shalt three times a year drop a drink into the sea, that thou shalt appease the Raptor Jesus's mortal opposite, the Hurrican God of the Sea.

The thirteenth commandment is that thou shalt realize that derailing a conversation with MST movie quotes doth not indicate a great deal of intelligence, and shalt learn some new material, lest it was from Space Mutiny, for that be a classic.

The fourteenth commandment is that thou shalt not follow any commandments beginning with thou shalt or thou shalt not.