Genesis
From WikiWrit
- Genesis
- Genesis, part 2
- Genesis, part 3
The Book of Numbers cometh before all else.
[edit] In the Beginning
1:1. A long time ago, before the Universe existed, about 8 weeks ago, there was nothing.
1:2. Then, God decided to create Herself. And, BAM! There She was! Bob was there too.
A shadowy figure then released their genetic material into the primordial ooze.
1:3. God, finding Her first creation to be most pleasing to Her eye, decided to create a friend with which to share existence with her.
1:4. And POOF! There He was.
1:5. And She named her second creation "God Junior", but He instead called Himself Satan, because that seemed to go with the black nail polish and sudden influx of latex in his closet.
1:6. And He was created equal in power and will to God (but with cool horns and way too much red).
1:7. Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him."
1:8. And God said "You're in the wrong testament, Herod."
1:9. And God and Satan were filled with love for each other, and for countless ages they embraced and cherished and felt really ginchy about everything.
1:10. They invented several things in this time, such as sexual intercourse (which was good), and mental intercourse (which, since neither of them had physical forms yet, was even better). From time to time, one or more of them would change genders, just for the fun of it, and it spiced things up. Bob was there, too.
1:11. But then, Something Happened.
[Editor's Note: God really doesn't want to talk about this event, no matter how much I question him, so I guess that this must remain unsaid. Rumors about thins starting during a discussion about whose turn it was to clean up the garbage littering the cosmos after one of their orgies should be ignored as sacrilegious garbage and not repeated under pain of smiting-- Moses.]
1:12. And God was wrathful with Satan. And Satan was wrathful with God. And God willed Satan to cease to exist. And lo! He ceased to exist. But lo! Satan noticed that He no longer existed and willed Himself back into existence. And Satan willed God to cease to exist. And lo! She ceased to exist. But lo! God noticed that She no longer existed and again willed Herself back into existence. And God willed Satan to cease to exist. And lo! He ceased to exist. But lo! Satan noticed that He no longer existed and willed Himself back into existence. And Satan willed God to cease to exist. And lo! She ceased to exist. But lo! God noticed that She no longer existed and again willed Herself back into existence. And God willed Satan to cease to exist. And lo! He ceased to exist. But lo! Satan noticed that He no longer existed and willed Himself back into existence. And Satan willed God to cease to exist. And lo! She ceased to exist. But lo! God noticed that She no longer existed and again willed Herself back into existence. And God willed Satan to cease to exist. And lo! He ceased to exist. But lo! Satan noticed that He no longer existed and willed Himself back into existence. And Satan willed God to cease to exist. And lo! She ceased to exist. But lo! God noticed that She no longer existed and again willed Herself back into existence. And God willed Satan to cease to exist. And lo! He ceased to exist. But lo! Satan noticed that He no longer existed and willed Himself back into existence. And Satan willed God to cease to exist. And lo! She ceased to exist. But lo! God noticed that She no longer existed and again willed Herself back into existence. This continued for quite some time until they both noticed that they were equally matched. By this time Bob had been annihilated to such an extent that for a while afterwards, it was genuinely difficult to even mention the idea of someone called Bob.
1:13. And God created a host of lesser beings - Seraphim, Cherubim, Fairies, and Gnomes - with which to wage war against Satan.
1:14. And God established a mighty fortress to protect Her forces, and this was called Heaven. God also became male for an indefinate amount of time, possibly so Satan would stop sexing Her... err... Him.
1:15. And God constructed Heaven with nine Spheres - one in which He would reside, four in which each of his forces would reside, and three more in case visitors wanted to shack up for the night. The remaining sphere was a Brothel, in which dwelt the Holy Whores, for indeed God was fain angry with Satan and so invented sexism.
1:16. And Satan was wrathful with God. And Satan created a host of lesser beings - Pixies, Daemons, Balrogs and Unicorns with which to oppose the forces of God.
1:17. And Satan established a mighty fortress to protect Her forces, and this was called Avernus.
1:18. And Satan constructed Avernus with nine Circles - one in which She would reside, four in which each of her forces would reside, and three more in case She got bored with residing in the first Circle. The final Circle, the most sacred, was devoted to developing devious designs to dazzle. Mostly alcohol, which was created by Prometheus, and psychotropic substances.
[Editor's Note: Recently, there has been hideous rumours of a tenth circle, one filled solely with copies of Mortal Kombat Advance. But let us not speak of this blasphemy of blasphemies. Seriously, if you took the Twin Towers, packed them full of nuns, and then crashed two planes (again full of nuns) into them, you'd still fall short of how bad this place is. So, like, don't even try to contemplate it. Really. DON'T. -- Moses.]
1:19. Somewhere during this were created the Monsters -- the furry, the scaly and the growly, the tuskéd and the hornéd. Since whoever created them neglected to do it retroactively, they never knew who it was. And not knowing whether they were creatures of God or Satan, they did not take sides in the conflict, but wandered off to hide in closets, and under beds, and within hollow walls. There, they waited impatiently for the invention of their natural foods: socks and children.
1:20. And God and Satan waged war for countless ages; until the end of time, say many, when Satan yielded Her forces to God in the hope that His wrath would be quenched and He would yield His forces also.
1:21. And lo! God did return his forces to Heaven.
1:22. But God's wrath was not quenched with Satan, for He was something of a stubborn bastard (not to mention a mean monkey).
1:23. Instead, He continued to produce greater forces with which to someday utterly eliminate Satan from the world.
1:24. And Satan knew this, and so reset time (loading from the last save point, some bajillion years previously) and continued to produce greater forces with which to someday utterly eliminate God from the world.
1:25. Meanwhile, in R'lyeh, great Cthulhu waited, dreaming. (Heh, heh, heh.)
[edit] Deities Aside for A Moment
[It is at this point that you must be wondering "Hang on, so we've got God and Satan and Heaven and Hell's origin stories in the previous chapter, but where'd the Universe come from?" And, Lo! Many worshippers of false texts have produced sinful and sacriligious answers to this question. Some infidels have said that the Universe was blown into being when a really, really heavy dried pea exploded. Other heretics say that the Universe was danced into being by thousands of cosmic elves, or sung into being by a cosmic lion. Let it be known that all who purport these beliefs must be punished by catapault. For, lo! Here follows the true and real origin of the Universe.]
1.5:1. Okay, see, in the beginning, there was nothing. Except for an egg. And inside the egg was a monkey. And inside the monkey was a baby monkey. And inside the baby monkey was a pine tree. And on top of the pine tree was a nest. And inside the nest was a turtle. And on top of the turtle was four elephants. And on top of the four elephants was an obsidian box.
1.5:2. And then, LOL!
1.5:3. The egg hatched, the monkey gave birth, the baby monkey spat out the tree, the nest fell out of the tree, the turtle swam away, and the elephants opened the box. The Universe popped out, fully formed, with the Earth right in the centre.
1.5:4. Feeling suddenly awkward, and not having any particularly funny jokes, the Earth quickly moved to its present position and conversation amongst the rest of the Universe shifted to the last generic sports event.
1.5:5. This is known as it was observed by the first animal - the platypus.
1.5:6. It is popularly held by some that a platypus is made from spare parts God had drifting about. This is simply not the case. In fact is, the platypus once contained all animal parts and shortly they were divvied up amongst all other animals. What was left was the platypus as we now commonly view it. But that is another story, for shortly down the page.
[edit] A Bit After The Bit After The Beginning
[edit] Let there be...
2:1. A bit after the beginning, God descended to the earth, where all was formless.
2:2. God said, "In free space let the the divergence of the electric field equal zero."
2:3. God said, "Let the divergence of the magnetic field equal zero."
2:4. God said, "Let the curl of the electric field equal minus the rate of change of the magnetic field."
2:5. God said, "Let the curl of the magnetic field equal μ0 times the current density, plus μ0 times ε0 times the rate of change of the electric field."
2:6. And there was light. (So writeth the Prophet Maxwell)
2:7. "Nifty!" thought God, and turned it on and off a few times.
[edit] It's Just Like SimEarth
2:8. God said, "Now, how does this creation business go again?" and flipped to page 1 of the Continuum Primer (V. 3.11).
2:9. God said, “Let there be an expanse in the middle of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters from the waters of the waters.”
2:10. God made the expanse, and divided the waters which were under the expanse from the waters which were above the expanse and the water were no longer in the waters; and it was so. God called the expanse “sky.” There was Stevening and there was morning, another day.
2:11. God said, “Let the waters under the sky be gathered together to one place, and let the dry land appear;” and it was so. God called the dry land “Vaalbara,” and the gathering together of the waters he called “The Wet Spot.”
1:12.God saw that it was good, and decided to create plate tectonics to make it even more interesting.
2:13. God looked, and saw that it was good. Pausing only to break Tasmania off from the mainland, He finished by signing His True Name name on a glacier in a fjord in Norway.
2:14. God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of sky to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years; and let them be for lights in the expanse of sky to give light on the earth; and let one of them be a nickname for baring one's ass at somebody;” and it was so.
2:15. God made the two great lights: the greater light to rule the bright day, and the even greater light to rule the black night.
2:16. Realising the inherent contradiction here, God then broke the even greater light into a few thousand stars. God set them in the expanse of sky to give light to the earth, and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness (remembering to carry the three). God saw that it was good. There was evening and there was morning, after some time passed.
[edit] I've created life!
2:17. Darwin said, "Let there be change from generation to generation in a population's inherited characteristics, or traits. Let minor random changes in the genes that encode these traits cause organisms to have slightly different traits than their parents. Let organisms with traits that help them to survive and reproduce tend to have more offspring. In doing so, they will pass more copies of these beneficial traits on to the next generation. Let advantageous traits become more common in each generation, and let disadvantageous traits become rarer."
2:18. God said, "Well, Charles, it's a nifty idea, but I'm working on a one-week schedule here, and what you're proposing will take at least double that time. Maybe even triple. Sorry."
2:19. God said, “Let the earth put forth grass, herbs yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit after their kind, with its seed in it, on the earth;” and it was so.
2:20. The earth brought forth grass, herbs yielding seed after their kind, and trees bearing fruit, with its seed in it, after their kind; God smoked the grass, and God saw that it was good. There was evening and there was morning, futher on.
2:21. God said, “Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth in the open expanse of sky.” God created the large sea creatures, and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarmed, after their kind, and every winged bird after its kind.
2:22. God saw that it was good. God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful, and screw, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.” There was evening and there was morning, later on that week.
2:23. God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures after their kind, livestock, creeping things (that creepeth), and animals of the earth after their kind, and also badgers, badgers, badgers, mushrooms, and snakes;” and it was so.
2:24. God made the animals of the earth after their kind, and the livestock after their kind, and everything that creeps creepily on the ground after its creepy kind. God saw that it was wicked awesome.
2:25. God said "Let there be Mogwai", and there were, and they swarmed over everything until one bastard forgot to keep them from feeding after Midnight and God said "Frak this" and blinked them out of existence.
2:26. Oh yeah, it was totally kicking rad, f'real, but God saw in his infinite wisdom that the blossoming new life would eventually lead to some massive pains in his holy butt, so he created a spirit of vengeance, a being of Yellow Magic, that would pass from life to life, protecting the weak and vanquishing the malevolent. The universe went from kicking rad to totally freakin awesome, man. The new creation's first act was to make Costa Coffee, to rival the unchecked spread of the almighty Starbucks, which was of course, yucky.
[edit] I didn't ask to be created!
2:27. Man said "Hey God, can you be a pal and create us?"
2:28. God said, to nobody in particular, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the sky, and over the livestock, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, yes, even stinkbugs.
2:29. But man must remember that he is not better than the creatures of the land, that he is an equal, and must maintain balance. If he does not then everything will start getting really freaking messed up."
2:30. God created man in his own image. In God’s image (saved locally as god_copy2.jpg) he created them; male and female he created them, for God is the masculine and the feminine; the Yin and the Yang; Alpha, Omega, the Zero, the One, the Seven, and the Forty-Two (but, incidentally, so is Satan)... God blessed them, for just then they had sneezed.
2:31. God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. There was evening and there was morning, eventually. God also sayeth "Let us also stop speaking to ourselves, or at least make someone to listen."
2:32. And thus, God split into his first Duality, making the Holy Spirit, known also in our human tongue as Coffee. Which technically is a split personality, but God was not on speaking terms with Satan any more.
2:33. The heavens and the earth were finished, in all their vast array. On the eleventh day God finished his work which he had made; and he rested. God blessed the eleventh day, and made it holy, because he rested on it from his work. Coincidently he decided that this is how many Planets should be in our solar system.
2:34. Then he watched the game and ate pretzels. And lo, his mate did protest that the gutters needed cleaning and the lawn needed mowing, and so did God create Wal*Mart, that she might go forth and spend money, leaving him free to watch the game in peace.
2:35. But, lo, after the game was over, God began to wonder. "Eventually," he pondered, "my creations might strive to reach the stars, those insurmountable fortresses of fusion in space, and would be thoroughly miffed to find that there were no other planets."
2:36. And, so, God did decide to make planets around the other stars. But, after he had madeth the 8th system, he did realize that it was going to take a freaking long time to make 11 unique planets around every star. So the lord did throw up his mighty hands and exclaim "Ah, screw it!" and willed the rest of the planets into existence.
2:37. Thus, many planets such as Hoth, Arrakis and Tatooine didst have but one type of climate round their whole surface, despite many rational reasons that they should not.
[edit] Things Start To Go Wrong
3:1. This is the history of the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were noticed, by God, or Satan, Bob, or an Enchanted hobo, while stoned. 3:2. Whichever it was, they had completely run out of pot, and were passing upset.
3:3. They caused to appear in their hand a magical seed, which would grow into a mighty tree, and this tree would sprout forth a copious amount of pot. While they were planting it, the first Human saw them.
3:4. Both of them were naked at this point, and the Human saw genitals for the first time, and was so surprised that they too grew genitals out of the sheer amazement of it.
3:5. It is not known if the first Human became Male or Female because nobody except God, Satan, Bob, or an Enchanted hobo saw it happen, and none of them remember which of them it was.
3:6. By this time, however the other eggs had begun hatching, and soon the Human with Genitals was surrounded by a group of amazed and genital-ed humans. Thus it was that there were sufficient humans to reproduce without mutation.
3:7. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anyone, the pot tree sprouted apples, for it was not a pot tree at all.
3:8. As the puny humans became aware of sex, they also became shy, and began to look for good places to have sex in private, except for some of them, who were exhibitionists.
3:9. This was when they first became aware of other animals, whose icy stares disconcerted them very much. In an effort to have somewhere quiet to shag, they began the great slaughter of animals, at which point they began using the bodies for other purposes.
3:10. Some of the first animals to be wiped out were the Spear and the Rock. Tragically, both of these proved lethal against still-living animals, and pretty soon the Bow, Crossbow, and Rifle had all been wiped out and their bodies stolen by Humans.
3:11. Now the Serpent was more subtle, both in wit and flavour, than any animal of the field which was still alive. He said to the Boy on a Stick, "That thing which planted the tree, it was immensely powerful. Perhaps if we can cause the Humans to anger it enough, it will destroy them for us, and we may mourn the dead Chair and the fallen Rugs, Sofas and Occasional Tables which these creatures have so foully slain.
3:12. The Boy on a Stick said something endearing, yet naive. A nearby Bass Guitar said something simple and repetitive, yet enjoyable.
3:13. Later, with the help of the Paint and several obliging Brushes, the Serpent painted eyes onto an apple. Humans who wanted to have sex saw the eyes, and Lo! They burned the tree down.
3:14. Either God, Satan or an Enchanted hobo saw the burning bush and was extremely bummed.
3:15. They said, "Now I will have to go all the way to Hell, and visit the Ninth Sphere. Who has done this thing?"
3:16. The man who had burned the tree down to impress his lady friend saw the being and exclaimed "It's you! The Original Genital!"
3:17. The being said "Who told you of genitals? Was it this guitar?" and picked up the guitar, strumming several chords. Since the Bass Guitar was still alive and God, Satan and the Magician had never learned to play, the sound was awful. The shock of the sound killed the Bass Guitar slowly, and thus, weeks later, music was born. Satan took credit when she found out about it.
[edit] God gets Old Testament On Their Asses
3:18. To the woman he said, “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth. In pain you will bring forth children.
3:19. Your desire will be for your husband or boyfriend, excepting those of you who desire none of the opposite gender, and he will ignore you when viewing football on television.”
3:20. To the man he said, “Because you have listened to your wife’s voice, and have done away with the tree, cursed is the ground for your sake.
3:21. In toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. Thorns also and thistles will it bring forth to you; and you will eat the herb of the field.
3:22. By the sweat of your face will you eat bread until you return to the ground or die of heart failure, for out of it you were taken. For you are dust, and to dust you shall return.
3:23. And also, shall your wife have no interest in relations once the ring goes on. Forever more shall she be frigid towards you and mock you mercilessly before thy buds.”
3:24. For you both, your children will become wayward and do their own "thing." Their music and manner of dress will make absolutely no sense to you, and their significant others will cause your hair to turn grey.
3:25. You will forget your relationship with My Creation, and you will foul it, then try to limit the amount of damage you continue to wreak. You will also ignore the Law of Unintended Consequences, which will repeatedly bite your offspring in the butt.
3:26. On the plus side, you'll see your children grow up to become adults and have children of their own, and you will get to spoil them and treat them better than you ever treated your own children, thus contributing to the general level of insanity in your species. However, the grandchildren will bring you joy and comfort as you reach your final years.
3:27. The man said to God, "Fuck."
3:28. The man's wife said, "None of that! This is a Holy Book for children!" (Incidentally, God really didn't care, since fucking is what needs to be done to fulfill the Prime Direction of "Be fruitful and multiply.")
3:29. The man called his wife Eve, because she was the mother of all living. God made coats of skins for Adam and for his wife, and clothed them (man was God's stitching bad). In fact, it was so bad that Adam and his wife died of diptheria and God had to resurrect them with coffee, which he invented but had no intention of using.
3:30. God said, “Behold, the man has become like unto one of us Gods, knowing good and evil. Now, lest he put forth his hand, and also take of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever. We shall send him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from which he was taken."
3:31. So he drove out the man; and he placed a Cherub at the east of the garden of Eden who was called Aziraphale (Whose interests included "fascinating little restaurants where they know you," crosswords, antique shops, books, and Regency silver snuffboxes. However he did not gain these interests for a long time as Regency Snuffboxes of any variety were not at the top of Gods "to do" list) who wielded a blessed +2 Sword of Flame which turned every way, to guard the way back to the garden (the entrance of which lies three furlongs north of Nairobi, if you were thinking of sneaking back.)
3:32. The Serpent, having realised that God had forgotten to deliver its share of smiting unto itself, quickly made good its escape, with the Boy on a Stick following. And that is why even today the Serpent has four arms and eight legs, and is the noblest of scaled creatures.
[edit] Raising Cain
4:1. The man knew Eve, who was his second wife. She conceived, and gave birth to Cain, and said, “I have gotten a man with God’s help.”
4:2. Again she gave birth, to Cain’s brother Abel. Abel was a keeper of sheep (a slacker), but Cain was a tiller of the ground, and one of his crops was cannabis. As time passed, it happened that Cain brought an offering to God from the fruit of the ground, but held back the cannabis because it bartered well.
4:3. Abel also brought some of the best of his stock as offering. God respected Abel and his offering, but he didn’t respect Cain and his offering because God isn't too into veg, and nobody likes a bogart, especially God.
4:4. Cain was very angry, and the expression on his face fell. God said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Lamb chops are good, and you didn't share your pot.” Cain replied that his offering should have been respected because he actually worked to produce an offering while Abel didn't do much but walk around with sheep and sit on his ass.
4:5. God replied: "Your efforts mean little to Me if they don't produce results, and it doesn't change the fact that you didn't offer Me your best. Not even a bowl did you offer."
4:6. Cain said to Abel, his brother, “Let’s go into the field.” It happened when they were in the field, Cain rose up in a rage, and bludgeoned Abel to death with a rock so that God would respect his offering.
4:7. God said to Cain, “Where is Abel, your brother?”
4:8. He said, “I don’t know. It wasn't my day to watch him. Am I my brother’s keeper?”
4:9. God said, “Bullshit. You murdered your brother and now you're going to lie to Me? You are now known as a 'reject.' Nobody will want to hang with you, vegetarians will routinely be scorned by the meat-eating population or they will become delusional megalomaniacs. You will be subject to the ravages of horrible weather and cattle ranchers.
4:10. The days of the family farm are numbered, My friend, because you brought greed to agriculture and made it agri-business.”
4:11. Cain said to God, “Great, make me the asshole why don't You? When You mark me, I'll get capped by anyone who sees me.”
4:12. God said to him, “Therefore whoever slays Cain, vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold.” Then God put the mark on Cain, the mark of blood. The mark made Cain very thirsty, incredibly thirsty, unbelievably thirsty.
4:13. He continued to drink things though nothing satisfied his great thirst, caused by the curse of blood. While drinking a river Cain cut himself and stuck his cut finger in his mouth (Cain invented that and we all do it). He noticed that the blood seemed to quench his thirst.
4:14. Thus, the first vampire was born and he lives to this day with other vampiric children, feasting on the blood of which is the mark of his curse.
4:15. At least until we run out of money and have to reprint a new version of this vampire story in order to shamelessly get more of it.
[edit] A Short Explaination of God's Behaviour up to This Point
4.5:1. One day, Mrs. Randolph woke up and decided to take a walk. When she stepped out of her front door, she saw her neighbor, Mr. Y*hweh, who was also out for a walk. When she went up to talk to him, she noticed something was different about Mr. Y*hweh this morning. "Mr. Y*hweh," she asked, "Did you get a haircut recently?"
4.5:2. "No," Mr. Y*hweh said. "I look different today because I recently dicovered that I am, in fact, God. This realization has frightened me so that my hair has turned white and given me an aged appearance. You see, I never wanted to be a deity. I wanted to be an insurance salesman."
4.5:3. "Well, isn't that something," said Mrs. Randolph. She then proceeded to continue walking.
4.5:4. I hope this passage has been an education.
[edit] The Nascent Human Race Gets Bizzay
5:1. Cain went out from God’s presence, and lived in the land of Noddy (also known as Toy Town)[1], with Big Ears, Mr Plod the policeman and Tessie Bear.
5:2. Cain knew his Wife, which through some paradox is either his sister or there were other people in the world (other than Noddy and his chums).
5:3. She conceived, and gave birth to Enoch. He built a city (for 3 people?), and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.
5:4. To Enoch was born Irad.
5:5. Irad begat Mehujael.
5:6. Mehujael begat Methushael.
5:7. Methushael begat Lamech.
5:8. Lamech took two wives (cause he was a dirty boy): the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.
5:9. Adah gave birth to Jabal, who was the father of those who dwell in tents and have livestock. His brother’s name was Jubal, who was the father of all who handle the harp and pipe, and also the inventor of the smutty book.
5:10. Zillah also gave birth to Tubal Cain, the forger of every cutting instrument of brass and iron. Tubal Cain’s sister was Naamah.
5:11. Lamech said to his wives, “Adah and Zillah, hear my voice. You wives of Lamech, listen to my speech, for I have slain a man for wounding me, a young man for bruising me.
5:12.If Cain will be avenged seven times, truly Lamech seventy-seven times.”
5:13. But enough of that, because this is the book of the generations of Adam.
5:14. In the day that God created man, he made him in God’s likeness. He created them male and female (for God himself was both male and female), and blessed them, and called their name “Adam,” in the day when they were created.
5:15. Adam lived one hundred thirty years, and became the father of a son in his own likeness, after his image, and named him Seth.
5:16. The days of Adam after he became the father of Seth were eight hundred years, and he became the father of sons and daughters. All the days that Adam lived were nine hundred thirty years, then he croaked.
5:17. Seth lived one hundred five years, and became the father of Enosh. Seth lived after he became the father of Enosh eight hundred seven years, and became the father of sons and daughters.
5:18. All the days of Seth were nine hundred twelve years, then he touched a Goomba and died.
5:19. Enosh lived ninety years, and became the father of Kenan. Enosh lived after he became the father of Kenan, eight hundred fifteen years, and became the father of sons and daughters.
5:20. All the days of Enosh were nine hundred five years, then an anvil landed on him.
5:21. Kenan lived seventy years, and became the father of Mahalalel.
5:22. Kenan lived after he became the father of Mahalalel eight hundred forty years, and became the father of sons and daughters and all the days of Kenan were nine hundred ten years, then he died. Bob was there, too.
5:23. Mahalalel lived sixty-five years, and became the father of Jared. Mahalalel lived after he became the father of Jared eight hundred thirty years, and became the father of sons and daughters.
5:24. All the days of Mahalalel were eight hundred ninety-five years, then he was killed by a rolling boulder trap.
5:25. Jared was a right jerk and lived one hundred sixty-two years, and became the father of Enoch. Back then, people hadn't invented many names yet.
5:26. Jared lived after he became the father of Enoch eight hundred years, and became the father of sons and daughters. All the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty-two years, and his Subs many, then he had a heart attack and fell out of a window onto an exploding bomb.
5:27. Enoch lived sixty-five years, and became the father of Methuselah. Enoch walked with God after he became the father of Methuselah three hundred years, and became the father of sons and daughters.
5:28. All the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty-five years. Enoch walked with God, and he was not, for God took him. Quote God: "Yoink."
5:29. Methuselah lived one hundred eighty-seven years, and became the father of Lamech.
5:30. Methuselah lived after he became the father of Lamech seven hundred eighty-two years, and became the father of sons and daughters. All the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty-nine years, and all throughout he smoked six packs a day and drank five times a day from a lead-coated beer glass. Bastard.
5:31. Lamech lived one hundred eighty-two years, and became the father of a son, and he named him Noah, saying, “This same will comfort us in our work and in the toil of our hands, because of the ground which Yahweh has cursed.”
5:32. Lamech lived after he became the father of Noah five hundred ninety-five years, and became the father of sons and daughters. All the days of Lamech were seven hundred seventy-seven years, then he missed a jump and fell into a lava pit.
5:33. Noah was five hundred years old, and Noah became the father of Ham, Cheese, and on Wheat.
5:34. It happened, when men began to multiply on the surface of the ground, and daughters were born to them, that God’s sons saw that men’s daughters were beautiful, and they took for themselves wives of all that they chose.
5:35. Someguy God said, “My Spirit will not strive with man forever, because he also is flesh; yet will his days be one hundred twenty years.”
5:36. The Nephilim were in the earth in those days, and also after that, when God’s sons came in to men’s daughters. They bore children to them. Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown.
5:37. God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
5:38. God was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and thought it would have been better to make man on another planet somewhere better, and it grieved him in his heart.
5:39. God said, “I will destroy man whom I have created from the surface of the ground; man, along with animals, creeping things, and birds of the sky; for I am sorry that I have made them. Indeed, I did bugger it up royally.” But Noah found favor in God’s eyes, because Noah was a kiss ass.
5:40. This is the history of the generations of Noah. Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time. Noah walked with God.
5:41. Noah became the father of three sons: Ham, Cheese, and Wheat.
5:42. The earth was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violets. God saw the earth, and saw that it was corrupt, for all flesh had corrupted their way on the earth. Either that or God isn't as omnipresent as he'd like us to believe. Bob was there, too.
[edit] In The Navy
God said to Noah, “The end of all flesh has come before me, for the earth is filled with violence through them. Behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make a ship of cork. You shall make rooms in the ship, and shall seal it inside and outside with pitch and dirty socks. This is how you shall make it. The length of the ship will be three hundred centimeters, its breadth fifty centimeters, and its height thirty centimeters. You shall make a roof in the ship, and you shall finish it to a centimeter upward. You shall set the door of the ship in its side. You shall make it with lower, second, and third levels."
To which Moses said "I'll see what I can do, I might need to fiddle with the scale a bit"
So God nodded sagely and continued "I, even I, do bring the flood of waters on this earth, to destroy all flesh having the breath of life from under the sky. everything that is in the earth will die. But I will establish my covenant with you. You shall come into the ship, you, your sons, your wives, and your sons’ wives with you. Leave your daughters behind. I invented sexism so that makes it nifty. Of every living thing of all flesh, you shall bring two of every sort into the ship, to keep them alive with you; minus fish (other sea reptiles), and anything too big like a dinosaur, ooooh don't take the sabertooth tiger either he might eat the bunnies. You might wanna bring some tofu or something too so the animals don't start to look too tempting. I saw you looking at those unicorns when dinner was taking too long. They shall be male and female, or if asexual, just two of whatever... Of the birds after their kind, of the livestock after their kind, of every creeping thing of the ground after its kind, two of every sort shall come to you, to keep them alive. Make sure you have these petri dishes too, and go collect two of every bacteria, and virus. Actually just one of each of those will probably be okay. I think they reproduce by mitosis. Oh yeah don't forget to take two of each plant, because I made some plants female and male too, silly me. Take with you of all food that is eaten, and gather it to yourself; and it will be for food for you, and for them. Ummm you might want to build a few more boats, like about a million more. I'll wait, just don't take too long.” Thus Noah subcontracted the work out to agency staff and paid through the nose but managed to get it finished early, and so received a nice bonus, but did get next year's budget cut. According to all that God commanded him, so he did.
God said to Noah, “Come with all of your household into the ship, for I have seen your righteousness before me in this generation. You shall take seven pairs of every clean animal with you, the male and his female. Of the animals that are not clean, take two, the male and his female. Also of the birds of the sky, seven and seven, male and female, to keep seed alive on the surface of all the earth; you know bacteria, plants, and whatever animals you think you need. In seven days, I will cause it to have a great tsunami on the earth for forty days and forty nights. Every living thing that I have made, I will destroy from the surface of the ground.”
Noah did everything that God commanded him but was troubled.
"Ummm... God, won't a tsunami just knock my boat over and kill me but leave the wicked people in the mountains untouched?" To which God replied, "Good point, I'll work something out."
Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters came on the earth, and unfortunately could not have any more children, for Viagra had yet to be invented. Noah went into the ship with his sons, his husband, and his sons’ wives, because of the waters of the flood. Clean animals, animals that are not clean, birds, and everything that creeps on the ground went by pairs to Noah into the ship, male and female, as God commanded Noah. It happened after the seven days, that the waters of the flood came on the earth. In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on the same day all the fountains of the great deep were burst open. The tsunami was on the earth forty days and forty nights.
In the same day Noah, and Ham, Cheese, and Wheat, the sons of Noah, and Noah’s wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, entered into the ship; they, and every animal after its kind, all the livestock after their kind, every creeping thing that creeps on the earth after its kind, and every bird after its kind, every bird of every sort. They went to Noah into the ship, by pairs of all flesh with the breath of life in them. Those who went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God commanded him; and God shut him in. The flood was forty days on the earth. The waters increased, and lifted up the ship, and it was lifted up above the earth. The waters prevailed, and increased greatly on the earth; and the ships floated on the surface of the waters. The waters prevailed exceedingly on the earth. All the high mountains that were under the whole sky were covered. The waters prevailed fifteen cubits upward, and the mountains were covered. All flesh died that moved on the earth, including birds that could not fly away, livestock, animals, every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, and every man. All in whose nostrils was the breath of the spirit of life, of all that was on the dry land, died. Every living thing was destroyed that was on the surface of the ground, including man, livestock, creeping things, and birds. They were destroyed from the earth. Only Noah was left, and those who were with him in the ship. The waters prevailed on the earth one hundred fifty days. God thusly continued to be redundant.
God remembered Noah, all the animals, and all the livestock that were with him in the ship; and God made a wind to pass over the earth. The waters subsided. The deep’s fountains and the sky’s windows were also stopped, and the tsunami from the sea was restrained. The waters receded from the earth continually. After the end of one hundred fifty days the waters decreased. The ship rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on Random’s mountains. The waters receded continually until the tenth month. In the tenth month, on the first day of the month, the tops of the mountains were seen.
It happened at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ship which he had made, and he sent forth a raven. It went back and forth, until the waters were dried up from the earth. He sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from the surface of the ground, but the dove found no place to rest her foot, and he returned to him into the ship; for the waters were on the surface of the whole earth. He put forth his hand, and took her, and brought her to him into the ship. He stayed yet another seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ship. The dove came back to him at evening, and, behold, in her mouth was an rock. So Noah knew that the waters were abated from the earth. He stayed yet another seven days, and sent forth the dove; and he didn’t return to him any more. But since the raven didn't come back the first time, he didn't come to the same conclusion, because Noah was a bit slow.
It happened in the six hundred first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from the earth. Noah removed the covering of the ship, and looked. He saw that the surface of the ground was dried. In the second month, on the twenty-seventh day of the month, the earth was dry. By that time, many of the animals had perished, and the dead bloating bodies were piling up.
God spoke to Noah, saying, “Go out of the ship, you, and your wife, and your sons, and your sons’ wives with you. Bring forth with you everything that is sill alive that is with you of all flesh, including birds, livestock, and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply on the earth. Watch out for the virus!”
Noah went forth, with his sons, his wife, and his sons’ wives with him. Every animal, every creeping thing, and every bird, whatever moves on the earth, after their families, went out of the ship.
Noah built an altar to God, and took of every clean animal, and of every clean bird, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. God smelled the pleasant aroma of dead animals. God said in his heart, “I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake, because the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I ever again strike everything living, as I have done. While the earth remains, seed time and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.”
God blessed Noah and his sons, and said to them, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, that I seriously made a hole out of. The fear of you and the dread of you will be on every animal of the earth, and on every bird of the sky. everything that the ground teems with, and all the fish of the sea are delivered into your hand. Every moving thing that lives will be food for you. As the green herb, I have given everything to you. But flesh with its life, its blood, you shall not eat. I will surely require your blood of your lives. At the hand of every animal I will require it. At the hand of man, even at the hand of every man’s brother, I will require the life of man. Whoever sheds man’s blood, his blood will be shed by man, for God made man in his own image. Be fruitful and multiply. Bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply in it. And keep those offerings coming!”
God spoke to Noah and to his sons with him, saying, “As for me, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your offspring after you, and with every living creature that is with you: the birds, the livestock, and every animal of the earth with you, of all that go out of the ship, even every animal of the earth. I from time to time, will make it flood again, but no where near as bad as this, I promise, cross my heart. Here's a rainbow."
The sons of Noah who went forth from the ship were Ham, Cheese, and Wheat. Ham is the father of Canaan. These three were the sons of Noah, and from these, the whole earth was populated.
Noah began to be a farmer, and planted a vineyard. He drank of the wine and got drunk. He was uncovered within his tent. Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside. Cheese, and Wheat took a garment, and laid it on both their shoulders, went in backwards, and covered the nakedness of their father. Their faces were backwards, and they didn’t see their father’s nakedness. Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his youngest son had done to him. He said,
“Canaan is cursed. He will be servant of servants to his brothers. Because he tried to help me, because I was too drunk to close my [[gorram]] tent. Man do I suck.”
He said,
“Blessed be God of Cheese. Let Canaan be his servant because I suck. May God enlarge Wheat. Let him dwell in the tents of Cheese. Let Canaan be his servant because I suck.”
Noah lived three hundred fifty years after the flood. All the days of Noah were nine hundred fifty years, then he died. And everyone got drunk and had a party, because the ass hat had died.
[edit] 'Feel Free To Skip This Part, Everyone Does
Now this is the history of the generations of the sons of Noah and of Ham, Cheese, and Wheat. Sons were born to them after the flood. Bob was there too.
The sons of Wheat: Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Mehech, and Tiras. The sons of Gomer: Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah. The sons of Javan: Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim. Of these were the islands of the nations divided in their lands, everyone after his language, after their families, in their nations.
The sons of Cheese: Cush, Mizraim, Put, and Canaan. The sons of Cush: Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, and Sabteca. The sons of Raamah: Heba and Dedan. Cush became the father of Nimrod. He began to be a mighty one in the earth. He was a mighty hunter before Yahweh, but he was a little dull and slow of thought. Therefore it is said, “Be not like Nimrod, a mighty hunter before Yahweh who is liable to shoot off his own foot one of these days.” The beginning of his kingdom was Babel, Erech, Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar. Out of that land he went forth into Assyria, and built Nineveh, Rehoboth Ir, Calah, and Resen between Nineveh and Calah (the same is the great city). Mizraim became the father of Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, Naphtuhim, Pathrusim, Casluhim (which the Philistines descended from), and Caphtorim.
Canaan (Ham) became the father of Sidon (his firstborn), Heth, the Jebusite, the Amorite, the Girgashite, the Hivite, the Arkite, the Sinite, the Arvadite, the Zemarite, the Hamathite, and a plethora of other -ites who weren't important enough to be mentioned here. Afterward the families of the Canaanites were spread abroad. The border of the Canaanites was from Sidon, as you go toward Gerar, to Gaza; as you go toward Washington D.C, Los Angeles, Admah, and Zeboiim, to Lasha. These are the sons of Ham, after their families, after their languages, in their lands, in their nations.
To Cheese, the father of all the children of Eber, the elder brother of Japheth, to him also were children born. The sons of Cheese: Edam, Asshur, Arpachshad, Lud, Gorgonzola and Aram. The sons of Aram: Uz, Hul, Gether, and Mash. Arpachshad became the father of Helah. Helah became the father of Eber. To Eber were born two sons. The name of the one was Pegleg, for in his days the earth was divided and he took to pirating. His brother’s name was Joktan. Joktan became the father of Almodad, Heleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Heba, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab. All these were the sons of Joktan. Their dwelling was from Mesha, as you go toward Sephar, the mountain of the east. These are the sons of Cheese, after their families, after their languages, in their lands, after their nations.
These are the families of the sons of Noah, after their generations, in their nations. Of these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood.
[edit] The First Time In History A Religious Fanatic Blew Up A Building
The whole earth was of one language and of one speech. It happened, as they traveled east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar, and they lived there. They said one to another, “Come, let’s make bricks, and burn them thoroughly.” They had brick for stone, and they used tar for mortar. They said, “Come, let’s build ourselves a city, and a tower whose top reaches to the sky, and let’s make ourselves a name, lest we be scattered abroad on the surface of the whole earth.”
God came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men built. God said, “Behold, they are one people, and they have all one language, and this is what they begin to do. Now nothing will be withheld from them, which they intend to do. Come, let us go down, and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech, so that I may put priests among them in their ignorance to draw them unto me. So God scattered them abroad from there on the surface of all the earth, because he hated the idea that they might whisper unsavory things about Him and find that tree of life, and become a god like God. They stopped building the city, which is what God wanted, because everyone knows that infastructure is evil. Therefore its name was called the tower of Babel, because there God confused the language of all the earth. That is why some of us now talk in l33t sp33k. From there, God scattered them abroad on the surface of all the earth.
Shortly thereafter, another race upon the face of the earth attempted a similar project. Apparently there are some mistakes you just can't learn from others.
[edit] Honest Abram
Now God said to Abram, “Get out of your country, and from your relatives, and from your father’s basement, to the land that I will show you. I will make of you a great nation. I will bless you and make your name great and also turn you into a system of government so that you may put up gobs of red tape and interfere with any and all creativity and productivity on the part of the people. You will be a blessing in disguise, for you shall teach the people to be mindless sheep, ripe for the fleecing. I will bless those who bless you with naivete and a tendency to ignore what is right before their very noses, and I will curse him who curses you. All of the families of the earth will be blessed in you.”
So Abram went, as God had spoken to him. Lot went with him. Bob was there too, and his tentacles wreaked great havoc on Japanese schoolgirls everywhere. Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed out of Haran. Abram took Sarai his wife, Lot his brother’s son, all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls whom they had gotten in Haran, and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan. Into the land of Canaan they came. Abram passed through the land to the place of Hechem, to the oak of Moreh. The Canaanite was then in the land.
God appeared to Abram and said, “I will give this land to your seed.” And Abram masturbated, and lo! His seed did spring forth upon the ground and nourished it.
He built an altar there to God, who appeared to him, in a metaphorical sense because everyone knows that God doesn't have a physical body and no one can 'really' see him. He left from there to the mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to God and called on the name of God. Abram traveled, going on still toward the South, whistling as he worked.
[edit] She's not my sister, she's my wife!
There was a famine in the land. Abram went down into Egypt to live as a foreigner there, for the famine was severe in the land. It happened, when he had come near to enter Egypt, that he said to Sarai his wife, “See now, I know that you are a beautiful woman to look at. It will happen, when the Egyptians will see you, that they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ They will kill me (because I am rascist, I believe that they are uncivilized), but they will save you alive, because of your bearded clam. Please say that you are my sister, that it may be well with me for your sake, and that my soul may live because of you. Not just that but incest is hawt!”
It happened that when Abram had come into Egypt, the Egyptians saw that the woman was very beautiful. The princes of Pharaoh saw her, and praised her to Pharaoh; and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. He dealt well with Abram for her sake. He had sheep, cattle, male donkeys, male servants, female servants, female donkeys, and camels. God plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Abram’s husband. Pharaoh called Abram and said, “What is this that you have done to me? Why didn’t you tell me that he was your husband? Why did you say, ‘He is my brother,’ so that I took her to be my wife? Now therefore, see your wife, take her, and go your way.”
Pharaoh commanded men concerning him, and they brought him on the way with his wife and all that he had.
Abram went up out of Egypt: he, his wife, all that he had, and Lot with him, into the South. Abram was very rich in livestock, in silver, and in gold. He went on his journeys from the South even to Bethel, to the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai, to the place of the altar, which he had made there at the first. There Abram called on the name of God. Lot also, who went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents. The land was not able to bear them, that they might live together: for their substance was great, so that they could not live together. There was a strife between the herdsmen of Abram’s livestock and the herdsmen of Lot’s livestock: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite lived in the land at that time. Abram said to Lot, “Please, let there be no strife between me and you, and between my herdsmen and your herdsmen; for we are relatives. Isn’t the whole land before you? Please separate yourself from me. If you go to the left hand, then I will go to the right. Or if you go to the right hand, then I will go to the left.”
[edit] Lot-a good that did'em.
Lot lifted up his eyes, and saw all the plain of the Jordan, that it was well-watered everywhere, before God destroyed some places, like the garden of Someguy God, like the land of Egypt, as you go to Zoar. So Lot chose the Plain of the Jordan for himself. Lot traveled east, and they separated themselves the one from the other. Abram lived in the land of Canaan, and Lot lived in the cities of the plain, and moved his tent as far as some place off to the east, whose name isn't particularly important to the plot of this story. Now the men of that place were exceedingly wicked and sinners against God, even though there was no set rules yet as to what was actually sin... but God just deemed it sin without an explanation. Man is he a jerk.
God said to Abram, after Lot was separated from him, “Now, lift up your eyes, and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward, for all the land which you see, I will give to you, and to your offspring forever. I will make your offspring as the mist of the earth, so that if a man can number the mist of the earth, then your seed may also be numbered. Arise, walk through the land in its length and in its breadth; for I will give it to you.”
Abram moved his tent, and came and lived by the oaks of Mamre, which are in Hebron, and built an altar there to God.
It happened in the days of Amraphel, king of Shinar, Arioch, king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer, king of Elam, and Tidal, king of Goiim, that they made war with Bera, king of some place, and with Birsha, king of some other place, Shinab, king of Admah, and Hemeber, king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar). All these joined together in the valley of Siddim (the same is the Salt Sea). Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year, they rebelled, don't know why, but they did. In the fourteenth year Chedorlaomer came, and the kings who were with him, and struck the Rephaim in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzim in Ham, and the Emim in Shaveh Kiriathaim, and the Horites in their Mount Seir, to Elparan, which is by the wilderness. They returned, and came to En Mishpat (the same is Kadesh), and struck all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that lived in Hazazon Tamar, because they were war hawks. The king of some place, and the king of some other place, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar) went out; and they set the battle in array against them in the valley of Siddim; against Charmander king of Elam, and Tidal king of Goiim, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings against the five. Now the valley of Siddim was full of tar pits; and the kings of someplaces fled, and they fell there, and those who remained fled to the hills. They took all the goods of someplaces, and all their food, and went their way. They took Lot, Abram’s brother’s son, who lived in someplace, and his goods, and departed.
One who had escaped came and told Abram, the guy who believed in God. Now he lived by the oaks of Mamre, the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner; and these were allies of Abram. When Abram heard that his relative was taken captive, he led forth his trained men, born in his house, three hundred and eighteen of them, and pursued as far as Dan. He divided himself against them by night, he and his servants, and struck them, and pursued them to Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus, as opposed to the right hand. He brought back all the goods, and also brought back his relative, Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people.
The king of some place went out to meet him, after his return from the slaughter of Charmander and the kings who were with him, at the valley of Shaveh (that is, the Valley of the Kings). Melchizedek king of Salem brought out bread and wine: and he was priest of God Most High. He blessed him, and said, “Blessed be Abram of God Most High, possessor of heaven and earth: and blessed be God Most High, who has delivered your enemies into your hand.”
Abram gave him a tenth of all.
The king of some place said to Abram, “Give me the people, and take the goods to yourself.”
Abram said to the king of some place, “I have lifted up my hand to God, God Most High, possessor of heaven and that's about it, that I will not take a thread nor a sandal strap nor anything that is yours, lest you should say, ‘I have made Abram rich.’ I will accept nothing from you except that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men who went with me: Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre. Let them take their portion.”
After these things the word of God came to Abram in a vision, because God couldn't muster up enough 'magic' to come and see him in person, saying, “Don’t be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.”
Abram said, “Lord God, what will you give me, since I go childless, and he who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?” Abram said, “Behold, to me you have given no seed but for that which I spilled on the ground at your altar, for you have never taught me the ways of a man and a woman. I greatly enjoy filling her rear with my seed, but it doesn't seem to do much good as far as procreation goes. Is there a special trick to it that sets it apart from the ways of a man with another man, aside from that twiddly business of the man in the boat that never did make much sense to me in the first place?" And lo, God did invent Sex Ed in order to prevent his having to answer embarrassing questions about men in the boat and procreation.
Behold, the word of God came to Abram, saying, “Eliezer will not be your heir, but he who will come forth out of your own body will be your heir.” God brought him outside, and said, “Look now toward the sky, and count the stars, if you are able to count them.” He said to Abram, “So shall your seed be.” He believed in God, because he was an idiot; and he reckoned it to him for righteousness. He said to him, “I am God who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give you this land to inherit it.”
He said, “Lord God, how will I know that I will inherit it?”
He said to him, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a female goat three years old, a ram three years old, a turtledove, and a young pigeon, that ye may gain Slack.” He brought him all of these, and divided them in the middle, and laid each half opposite the other; but he didn’t divide the birds. The birds of prey came down on the carcasses, and Abram drove them away.
Meanwhile, an eagle dropped a turtle from 50,000 feet up, but lo, behold, the turtle survived, though his shell was broken into many pieces, and all the birds and fish and small creeping things and some horses and kings men managed to patch him back up, and lo the turtle managed to wreck untold destruction on the eagle. The turtle hid, and grew, and learned, and eventually became a clergyman of scientology.
