Book of Barbarians
From WikiWrit
Contents |
[edit] Chapter One
And it did come to pass that in the early days, after the splitting of the dinosaur, there was a man named Adam, whose wife was named Lillith. And they did argue massively over whose turn it was to do the washing up, for Adam was fein lazy and refused to get off the couch. So Lillith, furious at his sloth, did sue for divorce, but Adam paid no attention to this and ignored her, and none could cause him to pay attention.
Satan, seeing this, offered to help Lillith, and created lawyers to assist her in getting rid of her no-good husband. But verily, upon seeing Her creation, God did make His own lawyers to protect Adam, because he was also a lazy bugger and sympathised mightily with the man. And for many seasons the lawyers did battle, until all the land was laid to waste beneath their legal arguments, and the world was in danger of fading to eternal dullness. Satan and God saw their creations thus, and felt kinda bad about it.
[edit] Chapter Two
“How can we rid the world of such annoying creatures?” wondered Satan, who was starting to wonder why She’d even made such a boring thing in the first place. "My Unicorns vanish before them, my Balrogs flee before their writs." And God thought for a while, because although the law was His kind of thing, you can take an idea too far. “Maybe Bob will have an idea,” He suggested.
So they went to Bob with their problem, and he gave unto them an enchanted hobo, saying that it was not his place to interfere, but merely to observe and maintain. So God took a tear of the enchanted hobo, and breathed it into a horde of men, and Satan then imbued them with the powers of chaos, so that they might destroy that which stood against their freedom.
And thus were the first Barbarians born.
[edit] Chapter Three
The Barbarians did leap down from heaven in an instant, with their Blessed beards and bellies, roaring their wild whooping battle-cry.
And upon reaching Earth, they did descend upon the lawyers with their bare hands, having not had a chance to find weapons yet. The lawyers, both those of Satan and of God, did try to fight back with restraining orders and court decrees, but the Barbarians charged through these without pause as they were not bound by laws of man. The lawyers were torn apart where they stood, and there was much rejoicing amongst the people.
[edit] Chapter Four
Satan was most pleased with her creation, and said “Go forth, and never henceforth be stopped by any rule or law of deity as you were unstopped by law of man. Have the strength of ten men, the thirst of twelve, the hunger of eighteen and carry always the hearts of thirty-four of your enemies in a ceremonial sack. Free the world from tyranny and oppression, by killing as many priests, lawyers, and politicians as you can find. Do so in my name.”
As She finished, so God came to speak with his creation. And God said: “Go, and be fruitful and kick-ass; kill evil wizards, leaders of snake-cults and tyrannical kings. Do so in my name.”
The Barbarians replied: “Gee, thanks guys. However, once we’ve killed the wizards, leaders of snake-cults, tyrannical kings, priests, lawyers and politicians, can we drink mead?”
And both God and Satan replied: “Oh, sure, why not, you crazy, mead-loving kids.”
And Lillith, who had managed to get her divorce in the middle of the crazy mess, shacked up with the leader of the Barbarians. And thus was the world put to rights.
